Sunday, November 24, 2013

Where would we have been without You God?

I was talking on the phone with my mom yesterday and I got a new perspective on our financial situation.  My mind set at the time was still trying to process the anger of not being spared of it, even after doing all that we thought we were supposed to do.  She asked "What would you have done the past 7 years if you didn't have God?"  She was referring to the question of how would we have handled the bankruptcy if God wasn't in our lives.  No God, no me.  If I rewind to my pre-God mindset, I likely would've committed suicide. The trial of a second bankruptcy in my life would've killed me without Him.

What's in a name? Everything

Child of the One True King

Wednesday, November 20, 2013


The family you've been given might not be the one you'd choose, but it just might be the one you need.

My dad was sick.  Death was knocking on his door and sitting on his chest. And dad was happy to oblige him.  He appeared to have given up his will to live and he was literally out of his mind.  Now I know that he was almost out of his body too...until he struggled to breathe.  Then he cried for help.  Dad went to the hospital by ambulance and was air lifted to a larger city.

At the time, dad had 3 dogs and a second wife who'd left him two years prior.  In need of a place for the dogs and not knowing if dad would recover, we reached out to someone in town who could help us place them.  I didn't know that she was also still friends with my dad's second wife. She contacted my step mom and my step mom called me.  I never actually spoke to her as we were very busy in the caring for dad and for his pets and household business.  And by the time she called I had come to the realization that it was a mistake to be in contact with her.  But something that happened was alot of introspection about life with parents and extended family.  When she came into our lives, I didn't want a step mom.  Even now, two years after she'd been gone, I still didn't want a step mom.  But something happened in the reconnection.  I gained a sense of compassion for my dad.  The ugliness of the divorce was on paper and when he went into the hospital I came across those papers.  I was a witness to what he patiently endured.  Previously I had thought her a victim as my dad was not an easy person to live with.  I came to see she eventually got all she wanted and he fought for nothing, even though he deserved more.  Her in our lives helped reconcile me to my dad and hopefully dad to God.  That is our commission - to be ministers of reconciliation.  I came to an understanding that the family you get might just be the one you need, even if it's not the one you want.

Commissioned for service

Our house was commissioned for God's service almost two years ago when three of the 4 families represented in the Posse came over and prayed throughout the house. At the time we thought we would be a house church and that still may be the case but right now we are not. Right now we are a fractured lot. I am in the middle of a fast of undetermined length and God is bringing great clarity as well as tearing down strongholds in my own life as well as those of Loved ones. And He reminded me yesterday of the commissioning which happened prior to Cheri moving in. I was so excited! We ARE called to this, whatever this is. It's a ministry of living WITH instead of around. I am so thankful to this day that we got to be in Kevin's life. Cheri was not here as a result of my sin, lack of prayer, etc. etc. etc. She was here by GOD's design. OH MY. Free, free, free
Thank you Jesus.

This was written in early 2012.


Summer of 2012 we filed bankruptcy.  God had told me two years prior that I was unwilling to do what it would take to get us out of our financial pickle entirely.  I thought He meant something like "work full-time" or some other thing.  I never dreamed that the unwilling thing was bankruptcy.  He was right - we were unwilling at that point to entertain the thought.  I can only speak for myself, but I know that eventually I came to a place where I wanted freedom so badly that I told God I would do what it would take, not having a clue.  By July of 2012 Dennis and I were both ready to give up the fight.  We had been struggling for 10 years to stay afloat with the last 7 in our house being tremendously stressful.  In that time we learned many good things.  The first is that the earth and everything in it is the Lord's.  Psalm 24:1.  Everything we have is a gift from Him.  The second, I became what I call a "surrendered Christian".  I had said a prayer of repentance and acceptance that "this Jesus" was who He said He was in 2003.  Dennis and I were also baptized that year.  But I hadn't yet come to the place where I understood that nothing in my life was my own.  I still thought I had control and I could do things myself.  On my knees in 2006 because of the pain caused by buying this house and unable to get out, I asked God to take the helm.  I was absolutely incapable of fixing the mess my life, our life, had become and we needed help.  That began the ride of a lifetime!

Bankruptcy was heartbreaking.  It was the cross for us to take up.  It tested my faith.  Once we discovered that we were the problem that caused our distress, I thought if we did everything right, we'd be spared.  Our happy ending would be debt freedom where we paid the debt off.  If we tithed, God would open the flood gates.  If we cut our expenses down to nothing and were willing to take every kind of work offered to us, we'd have plenty to pay those creditors off within no time.  And bankruptcy would not be in our future.  I was angry at God and that broke my heart too.  Thankfully He knows the whole story and I'm guessing we haven't seen the end, but the one thing I know right this minute was that bankruptcy was a gift.  It definitely helped diminish my pride and made me less arrogant.  Had we not gone through it, I would've judged every brother or sister who did.  Thank you Lord for saving me from myself.  Thank you too for showing me it's You I want more than anything - not just what You give me.  I love you Papa.  In Jesus' Mighty Name. 


During round #3 in our house, trying to stay out of foreclosure, I had a dream that we were not foreclosed on. That we left joyfully and all I saw was myself standing behind the moving truck, which was loaded and ready to go. I felt like this dream was a message from God that we wouldn't be leaving under duress and I hung on to it. It helped me stand in the midst of the storm. Thank you Lord!

I have had other dreams in the recent past that I felt were messages. These were a little different in that as I woke up, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that they were messages. My first thought upon waking was what I was supposed to take note of. About a week or so ago I had a dream that our mortgage had been paid.  This dream happened some time ago but I published it on 11/20/13.

Lately God has been showing me that He's given me visions of future events.  I am learning how to differentiate between a vision from Him and something from my own mind.  God is good all the time.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Fasting - Day 30

Today I wanted to quit fasting. In fact I asked God if I had to. I really, really didn't want to keep going. It was a rough day with attack and hunger. I'm assuming some stronghold of the enemy is being encroached upon because I was attacked in my thinking in a pretty old spot. Not all days am I hungry and definitely not to the level I was today. It's lovely because it forces one to go back to God over and over again.

Walking by Faith, not by sight

Faith and I stepped outside today to some glorious weather! It's March in Minnesota and it's currently 51 degrees. My initial reaction based on the temperature was that I didn't need a coat. It was so warm. When I looked around and saw a thick snow covering, my outlook changed and I suddenly felt the need for my coat. And I thought that to be very similar to our life in Christ. When we proceed with life based on what we see all around us, we can easily feel cold and in need. In fact we can get downright terrified and start to go under like Peter on the water after he asked Jesus to call him out of the boat. At one point after walking a ways he began looking around at the circumstances and started to sink.  So too it is with us when we look at the world around us and take our eyes off God.  Jesus said “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 NIV

His Love

This weekend I had the great pleasure of returning to one of my favorite places to meet God - The Wilderness Fellowship Ministries in Frederic, Wisconsin.  He always shows up and it had been awhile, maybe a year, since I'd spent that kind of focused time alone with Him in a prayer cabin.  I arrived at 3pm on Friday and it took that day and a good portion of Saturday to finally relax into His presence.  Probably every hour I'd wonder if I could go home (I missed my family) or meet up with any number of people I would love to see in that neck of the woods.  I pictured myself as a child, desperately wanting to go outside and play and God being my mom or dad trying to savor every moment with me before He let me go.  And I believe that to be so.  He was pursuing me and He was trying to savor every moment He got to breathe me in before I left to go back into the world.  Can you imagine?  The Creator of the Universe wants to breathe you in too.  Every chance He can.  He wants to feel your heartbeat next to His and hold you close.  Can you believe that cuddling you would bring Him great joy?  It's beyond my comprehension, but I believe it.  That is the depth of His Love for us and it is absolutely mind boggling to me.