Visiting New Life and doing the intake unglued me. Questions were asked that threatened my entire reality and I thought I was losing my mind. I left there and sought a church, my church. The first church that Dennis and I had called "home" together. The church that baptized us as adults. The doors were closed and locked. I could see no one. No person was there to help me. It was me and God and that was good.
Between the wasted space of a building closed (when there is so much need in the world) and locked doors, I began to question why? Why do we do church this way.
Friday, July 13, 2018
I hit the farm wall
Last week I was so angry, so discouraged. We've been taking step after step towards having a farm. We dreamed of buying our own small piece of land and building a farm on it. We've had gardens and we have animals. We are a suburban farm family. I like it because it's different. I gave up. Ripped up Dennis' paper and said I am completely done with the farm. I'm out, no more. And then God took over.
God gave mom and I a dream of a rehab agency. The farm and rehab agency seem to be merging.
My heart is to share our animals with kids who struggle in whatever way to meet the demands of this world and can benefit from interacting with our environment.
including but not limited to autism, sensory issues, trauma (trauma causes sensory issues)
The question came to mind "Maybe we don't need as much as we think we do for the farm"
And then God gave us Franconia.
God gave mom and I a dream of a rehab agency. The farm and rehab agency seem to be merging.
My heart is to share our animals with kids who struggle in whatever way to meet the demands of this world and can benefit from interacting with our environment.
including but not limited to autism, sensory issues, trauma (trauma causes sensory issues)
The question came to mind "Maybe we don't need as much as we think we do for the farm"
And then God gave us Franconia.
I want to feel like what I'm doing matters
I want to feel like my life matters. Like what I do is important. And I don't. Often. The world says I matter if I run a company. The world says I matter if I accomplish big things. The world says I matter if I serve at church. The world says I matter if I'm super mom and I look good and feel good and my house looks good and my children look good. The world says I matter if I run marathons or I invent things. The world says I matter if I have lots of money or a big house. The world says..... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
The Truth is that I matter because God gave me life. He gave me a family to love and people to care for. He gave me a heart that hurts for the hurting. And He gave me friends to help along the way. He Loved me into existence and sacrificed mightily to save me and keep me for Himself. No other "god" has ever paid such a price. Other supposed "gods" only take from us, including the god that we sometimes think we are. They expect us to pay dearly for the privilege of their favor and they don't give unless we behave. This God, my God, our God, gives and gives and gives and asks nothing in return but would love to be loved back.
The Truth is that I matter because God gave me life. He gave me a family to love and people to care for. He gave me a heart that hurts for the hurting. And He gave me friends to help along the way. He Loved me into existence and sacrificed mightily to save me and keep me for Himself. No other "god" has ever paid such a price. Other supposed "gods" only take from us, including the god that we sometimes think we are. They expect us to pay dearly for the privilege of their favor and they don't give unless we behave. This God, my God, our God, gives and gives and gives and asks nothing in return but would love to be loved back.
Dreams Revisited
After my last blog post was written, we bought a house. The 10 year trial in our old house was about to be over. Relief washed over us and I felt free. 2017 would prove to be a wonderful and hard year. Gone were the days of wondering when we'd have to move. So much behind us, and so much in front of us.
In 2016 I started therapy again for PTSD related to childhood traumas and I learned that things can be one way and another, not necessarily black or white. That one tool, applied in many areas of my life, has been a Godsend. I also went to a week long, inpatient therapy session... I mean "retreat" for healing from sexual abuse at the end of 2016. I believe that was in large part a giant leap toward last year being wonderful, peaceful and hard. 2017 was a year of rest from my own personal struggles and mental health issues.
In March of 2017, we headed out on vacation and in the middle of it my husband had to be hospitalized for a bowel perforation. For a period of about 6 months, he was very ill sometimes and we had no way of knowing how long it would last or what kind of treatment might cure him. It is torturous to watch your loved one suffer day in and day out. At times, the combination of my husbands illness and our daughter's response to it felt like much more than I could take. One incident that I'm sure sticks with both my husband and I is a day when we were riding in the car and he started coughing. In those days his coughing spells could lead to vomiting episodes and our daughter was terrified of vomiting. In her mind, anyone who did vomit was dangerous to her because they could make her sick and she could vomit. While the car was moving, she opened the car door to exit the vehicle to escape my husband's retching. It was a very scary episode.
In 2016 I started therapy again for PTSD related to childhood traumas and I learned that things can be one way and another, not necessarily black or white. That one tool, applied in many areas of my life, has been a Godsend. I also went to a week long, inpatient therapy session... I mean "retreat" for healing from sexual abuse at the end of 2016. I believe that was in large part a giant leap toward last year being wonderful, peaceful and hard. 2017 was a year of rest from my own personal struggles and mental health issues.
In March of 2017, we headed out on vacation and in the middle of it my husband had to be hospitalized for a bowel perforation. For a period of about 6 months, he was very ill sometimes and we had no way of knowing how long it would last or what kind of treatment might cure him. It is torturous to watch your loved one suffer day in and day out. At times, the combination of my husbands illness and our daughter's response to it felt like much more than I could take. One incident that I'm sure sticks with both my husband and I is a day when we were riding in the car and he started coughing. In those days his coughing spells could lead to vomiting episodes and our daughter was terrified of vomiting. In her mind, anyone who did vomit was dangerous to her because they could make her sick and she could vomit. While the car was moving, she opened the car door to exit the vehicle to escape my husband's retching. It was a very scary episode.
Dreams Interpreted
In looking back over my entries, I saw the one about the dream I had in the Linwood house many years ago. In the dream, we were moving and it was a joyful event. I took that to mean that we wouldn't be foreclosed upon and that dream carried me for years. I felt it was prophetic and I couldn't fathom any outcome where we'd leave joyfully and be going into foreclosure. The dream was absolutely true. We did leave Linwood with lots of expectancy for a much better future and God was giving us a beautiful, brand new home on 4 acres with plenty of room to further pursue our farm dreams. But the old home was still going to be foreclosed upon. Lord, help me be courageous when you call on me to tell parts of our story. Someone somewhere needs this encouragement.
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