Bankruptcy

Summer of 2012 we filed bankruptcy.  God had told me two years prior that I was unwilling to do what it would take to get us out of our financial pickle entirely.  I thought He meant something like "work full-time" or some other thing.  I never dreamed that the unwilling thing was bankruptcy.  He was right - we were unwilling at that point to entertain the thought.  I can only speak for myself, but I know that eventually I came to a place where I wanted freedom so badly that I told God I would do what it would take, not having a clue.  By July of 2012 Dennis and I were both ready to give up the fight.  We had been struggling for 10 years to stay afloat with the last 7 in our house being tremendously stressful.  In that time we learned many good things.  The first is that the earth and everything in it is the Lord's.  Psalm 24:1.  Everything we have is a gift from Him.  The second, I became what I call a "surrendered Christian".  I had said a prayer of repentance and acceptance that "this Jesus" was who He said He was in 2003.  Dennis and I were also baptized that year.  But I hadn't yet come to the place where I understood that nothing in my life was my own.  I still thought I had control and I could do things myself.  On my knees in 2006 because of the pain caused by buying this house and unable to get out, I asked God to take the helm.  I was absolutely incapable of fixing the mess my life, our life, had become and we needed help.  That began the ride of a lifetime!

Bankruptcy was heartbreaking.  It was the cross for us to take up.  It tested my faith.  Once we discovered that we were the problem that caused our distress, I thought if we did everything right, we'd be spared.  Our happy ending would be debt freedom where we paid the debt off.  If we tithed, God would open the flood gates.  If we cut our expenses down to nothing and were willing to take every kind of work offered to us, we'd have plenty to pay those creditors off within no time.  And bankruptcy would not be in our future.  I was angry at God and that broke my heart too.  Thankfully He knows the whole story and I'm guessing we haven't seen the end, but the one thing I know right this minute was that bankruptcy was a gift.  It definitely helped diminish my pride and made me less arrogant.  Had we not gone through it, I would've judged every brother or sister who did.  Thank you Lord for saving me from myself.  Thank you too for showing me it's You I want more than anything - not just what You give me.  I love you Papa.  In Jesus' Mighty Name.